Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
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It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Knock Knock
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Children of the corn 🌽
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.