Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
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Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
❤️🦆
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
New menu item
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
👾👾👾
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake