Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
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wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Now, where’s the sport in that?
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.