Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
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My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap