this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
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[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me