Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
You Might Also Like
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”