I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
You Might Also Like
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
this isn’t threatening at all
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
@ candidates for local office
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.