A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
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The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
The future is now.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame