Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
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waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.