Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
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A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name