One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
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13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?