DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
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The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.