‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
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I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…