You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
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Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
It do be feeling this way.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
HOW DARE YOU
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.