[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
You Might Also Like
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
I think my mom just blocked me
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
I laughed at this way too hard.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.