I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
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“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.