[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
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Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL