Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
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I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
When I pack too much for a short trip.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”