*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
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Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.