Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
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My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.