Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
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It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
<- sleeps well with others
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious