It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
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A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..