Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
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Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.