Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
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Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Whisper out to librarians!
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today