This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
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I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
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My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?