I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
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I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
this has done me in for some reason
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa