My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
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Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me