*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
You Might Also Like
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
…żyje?
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no