If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
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Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.