i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
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Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.