Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
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If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Bread puns are on the rise!
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
that lip filler tho
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Just why bro?!
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?