My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
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legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
#parenting
meow
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
🙅🏻
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop