“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
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Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*