Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
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My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt