I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
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At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given