Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
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Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.