Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
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My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.