All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
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My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
When your man makes a valid point
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.