my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
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I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey