I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
You Might Also Like
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
United Steaks of America
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.