A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
You Might Also Like
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.