95% of dentists recommend teeth.
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Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.