Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
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They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
are there any atheist mantises?
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger