Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
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Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.