There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
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My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.