Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
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You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Need this in my life lol
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?