This is no longer an app but a mishapp
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Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.