Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
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[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread鈥檚 a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
I鈥檓 not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn鈥檛 a planet anymore lol
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don鈥檛 rush me
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 馃嚘馃嚭
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you鈥檝e watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I鈥檒l show someone up in a dance battle, so it鈥檚 not saying much.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn鈥檛 taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.