You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
You Might Also Like
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?