I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
You Might Also Like
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am